The Seven Deadly Challenges
by Snark-N-Moon
Summary: Third story in the 'Heart of the Cards' series. After an annoying interrupting transmission from Emperor Awesome, Lord Hater is challenged to a one-on-one competition to see who is truly the greatest. That is, until the skeletal overlord finds himself with an unexpected player two... Skeleton Dance.


"Yooo, Hatey, 'sup bruh!"

Lord Hater shrieked as he was suddenly startled out of his game, as the screen fizzled and the smug looking mug of a certain emperor took over. The skeletal overlord glared, as he realized this was yet another interruption to add to his long day of interruptions. First Peepers coming on and off of the observation deck, where Hater had set himself up for the day, as he asked question after question about their latest conquest plans. Then the power going out for a while as SOMEBODY wasn't paying attention and didn't put the shields up before a solar flare hit the ship. And now, when he was FINALLY getting SOMEWHERE IN HIS GAME…

Hater growled as as he sat up in his chair, crossing his arms across his chest.

"This better be GOOD, Awesome, I was KINDA in the middle of something!"

"Oh, really?" Awesome raised a brow. "Not buyin' it, dude. Word is, the so-called Hater Empire hasn't been up to much lately. What's wrong, Hatey, losing your touch?"

Hater hated that pretentious smirk. He hated the guy who was wearing it even more. He should have figured his momentary absence due to that whole disaster with Wander and the morning star, and the... uhg. The everything, wouldn't have gone unnoticed by the other conquerors and general evildoers.

"I had... problems, okay?! I'm getting back to it now, it just, it's taking a while to get my groove back!"

"Your groove?" Awesome laughed, and Hater despised him all the more for it." And what IS Lord Bonehead's 'groove', exactly? Falling down and running to Mommy Peeps to kiss your booboos all better?"

"NO," Hater cried, already feeling himself growing flushed in the face from anger, " My 'groove' is being THE BEST CONQUEROR AND FUTURE RULER OF ALL THE GALAXIES! I'm just AWESOME, okay?!"

"Ptsh. Uh, check the name, bro- I'm the only one Awesome around here." Awesome leaned back in his throne, arms behind his head as he continued. " 'Sides, we all know you'd be nothing without your lil' brown noser. Obvs the real brains behind the operation."

Okay, Hater had enough of this. How DARE the shark-man call him up on his own ship just to insult him! The overlord threw his controller onto the ground, before jumping out of his chair to scream at the screen.

"OH YEAH? Well, I say you'd be NOTHING without all your fancy shmancy toys and your PATHETIC army. Take all that away and you'd be NOTHING, na-da, while *I* at least have my cool and INDESTRUCTIBLE POWERS! People would still UTTERLY FEAR ME, and hand over WHAT'S RIGHTFULLY MINE!"

Hater gave a smug look of his own as he put his arms behind his back- jutting out his jaw and puffing out his chest.

"While you, PAL, are left to do what? SMILE them into submission? Admit it. 'dude'-" the skeleton mocked with air quotations," maybe you're just not that awesome AFTER all."

Awesome was visibly taken aback, but his surprised expression was quickly replaced by a threatening, deadpan glare. That toothy grin was absent, a curt frown in its place. He began to nod.

"Alright, I getcha, I know your game. Care to put a wager on those words, Numbskull?"

Hater watched as the screen split in two, Awesome on one side, a picture of a deep purple and yellow planet on the other.

"This, is Compederate; the biggest, toughest, raddest Competition Olympics planet in this galaxy." The picture switched to recorded footage of competitors engaging in various tests of strength, courage, problem solving, speed, and luck, most of which seemed life threatening. The footage cut off, and Awesome's visage filled the screen again.

"You, me, on Compederate, tomorrow afternoon. We settle this like men; oh, it is ON."

Hater stared at the guy, unimpressed, arms folded, reclined back in his gaming chair.

"Yeah, that's fine and all, but what makes you think I have TIME to play girly games with you? I have planets to conquer, fear to spread, you know, busy guy."

The camera shook when Awesome slammed his fist down on the arm of his throne.

"BE THERE, OR WIMP OUT AND PROVE TO EVERYONE YOU'RE JUST AN OVERBLOWN, PATHETIC, WANNABE LOSER! Got that?" and with that, the transition was terminated, Hater's video game flashing back up onto the screen.

The skeletal overlord stared at the screen, blinking as a little caricature in his game bounced and asked if he wanted to continue. Oh… guess Hater didn't have much of a choice in the matter, now. No one was going to call LORD HATER a wannabe loser, after all! And yet… the skeleton shivered as he recalled the pictures from the competition planet, remembering all the HORRIBLE things he went through during his birthday two years prior- war flashbacks of his Doom Arena making him shake the visions away.

No, this was different. This wasn't him going up against the universe's favorite person- this was AWESOME. You know… the annoying sushi dudebro that thought he was the nine universes' gift to mankind. The guy that constantly hated on him, started stuff, and just… just… JUST PLAIN OLD WAS TERRIBLE IN EVERY WAY!

He DESERVED to be taken down a few pegs.

And Hater deserved to be the guy that did it.

It was settled then, on the morrow Lord Hater would go to this Compederate, beat Emperor Awesome in EVERYTHING because he was just great like that, gloat, and then… what? Go home for some celebratory hot chocolate? OH! With the marshmallows in them!

It was then something rather important dawned on him.

"Wait a minute… WHERE THE HECK IS COMPEDERATE?!"

* * *

Finding the place did not end up posing a problem once in the hands of his second in command. Commander Peepers simply entered the name of the planet into the ship's built in navigation system, and after asking if this was the planet they meant, they set a course for the desired planet. Unfortunately that caused them to arrive about seven hours ahead of schedule, but that gave them plenty of time to prepare.

Peepers paced back and forth in front of his boss, who seemed far too relaxed, all things considered. Hater being relaxed was only making Peepers more anxious.

"Lord Hater, sir... are you absolutely sure that this is the best idea? You had a whole schedule planned, we had meetings, we've had presentations, we were all ready to take over-"

"Spinnerworld can WAIT a day, Peepers!"

"It's Sporinol-"

"Whatever! It can wait! Do you WANT everyone thinking I'm a PATHETIC LOSER, Peepers? DO you?"

Peepers sighed. He could feel a massive headache coming on. Sometimes he truly wished Hater could just focus without being so easily distracted. Honestly, it was like dealing with an overgrown child at times. Heck, MOST times.

"No, sir, I don't. But Emperor Awesome is just doing this to get you off track again. Please tell me you realize-"

The commander stopped and smacked his forehead in frustration when he noticed Hater was playing a handheld video game, not even bothering to listen anymore.

"SIR!"

Lord Hater looked up from his game, sighing as he pushed paused and sat up in his chair.

"WHAT, Peepers?"

"Okay, so no matter WHAT I say you're just going to go through with this challenge, is that it?"

"Yup."

"Even with the set rules into place where I can't help you?"

"Peepers, I don't NEED your assistance on EVERYTHING I do. Are you trying to say I'm not CAPABLE, Peepers?"

"Of course not, but-"

"I am the best," Hater interrupted, full of pride, " and I have BEEN the best since, like, way before YOU came along and stuff. It's just AWESOME. Really, I'll just hurry up and kick his butt at his own game before he even REALIZES what happened!"

The second in command was about to argue further, when both were surprised by the sudden gasp they heard behind them.

"Games?! Oh, I just LOVE games!"

Swiftly turning around- Hater swiveling around in his chair- both the watchdog and overlord cried out in alarm at who they saw.

"W-WANDER?!"

The nomad, excited, ran up the the skeleton before plopping onto his lap- his arms wrapping around his neck in a big hug.

"You're gonna play games with Emperor Awesome?! What kind of games? Are they fun n' challengin'? Can I play too?"

Hater was too busy being surprised by the onslaught of questions, blinking as his jaw hung agape. Luckily Commander Peepers was quicker to get out of his stupor as he glared.

"What are YOU doing here?"

"Oh, pardon my rudeness- jus' got a lil excited is all." The orange mop smiled widely, as he looked towards the watchdog, still not letting go of his boyfriend. "Hiii guys! Boy, I missed you both so so so so so so much! I was gonna call, but then we happen't on ya'lls ship a lil' while back, and then Syl n' I thought it be better if we left it as a surprise!"

"Actually, " Sylvia said as she walked into the room, most likely having stayed back at the entrance as Wander had just rushed in. "It was all his idea. I just went with it because, ya know."

She shrugged as she stopped about a foot away from the boys, Peepers crossing his hands over his chest as he looked at her unimpressed and greeted her.

"Zbornak."

"Eyeball."

Hater could feel the fuzzy intruder beaming up at him, and refused to look at him for fear of losing his nerve. He was still working on that.

"So? Are ya surprised, Hater?"

"No! I mean, you can't help, it's against the rules." he replied, hastily. Not that he needed the guy's help to begin with! Why was everyone making such a big deal out of this?

"Actually, sir..." Hater whipped around to shut Peepers up with a glare, but the glare was missed, as Peepers was occupied with reading over a paper in his hand. "technically speaking, there's nothing in the agreed upon rules that says WANDER can't help you, it only says that I... can't..." his message died there, as he finally glanced up and caught the glare. He quickly hid the paper behind his back.

"Heh heh, I mean, yeah! Completely against the rules, too ba- HEY!" Peepers was caught off guard when Sylvia snatched the paper from him.

"Give me that. Let's see, blah blah blah,... ha! Nope, nothing in here that says Wander can't play. Just as I figured." The zbornak smirked at Hater, all the while keeping the paper held up just out of the flailing watchdog's reach.

Wander squealed, and Hater flinched- yet another thing he was still working on. It may have been a couple months since the two had officially been…. uh, whatever it is you would call what was between them- even multiple outings and meetups during that time. BUT, it was still all too new. Not only the fluttery feeling he would still feel whenever they touched, or.. or when the nomad's eyes would get half-lidded and stare at him for a while. It was just… his everything!

Really, Hater doubted anybody could TRULY get used to Wander.

The skeleton took in a deep breath before getting up- using his mighty grip to untangle the nomad that was still hanging around his neck- before looking the furry mop of a man in the eyes as he glared.

"I SAID 'no'! This is not a GAME, this is not for FUN. This is SERIOUS! And I need to SERIOUSLY beat Awesome at all costs, and I DON'T want you or your dumpy pal getting in the way- IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"

Before Wander could say anything , one way or the other, Hater dropped the orange annoyance. Not even checking to see if he was okay, the overlord began to stomp off as he headed towards the exit. He didn't even turn around as he called back for his second in command.

"Come ON, Peepers, it's almost time to meet them down on the planet and I wanna be there first so I can rub THAT in his face!"

The paper was finally snatched back, though useless now, and Peepers scurried after his boss, chest puffed out, proudly. Good! He has happy to see that Lord Hater was still able to recognize when that wandering weirdo wasn't welcome.

"Coming, sir!"

The commander stopped and turned back to the two nomads, who were still just standing there, watching them leave, looking mildly confused.

"Stay out of trouble, and don't touch ANYTHING, got it?"

The door swished shut behind him, as he strutted down the hall to catch up to Hater. He was suddenly feeling more confident- perhaps it had something to do with getting the better of those two creeps for once.

Perhaps he was too caught up in their small victory to notice Hater had stopped abruptly at the bottom of the tongue ramp, plowing into him face first. The overlord didn't seem to notice, but it sent Peepers toppling over backwards. He looked up at his boss under a skewed helmet. Adjusting it, he climbed to his feet and cleared his throat.

"Uh, sir? Everything okay?"

Hater was muttering, but he couldn't quite make out any of it. The look on his face had Peepers following his horrified stare. The watchdog joined him in his horrified staring at what he saw.

"Wow! That is one wild lookin' playin' field, ain't it?" Wander chirped from beside them.

And wild it was, yes. Though other words were coming to the overlord's mind. Like "dangerous". Or "deadly". And even "oh dear glorm this is going to be the Doom Arena all over again". Where they had parked was dead center of everything, the purple planet looking ominous with its splash of bright yellow lights- all pointed directly at each challenge course. Everything was big, sharp, and… looked like it could even hurt the likes of the almighty Lord Hater!

The skeleton was jolted out of his head by the brush of fur against him, as a certain hyperactive nomad rushed off the ramp to get a closer look at everything.

"Ooo, wouldja look at that! And oh, that one looks fun! BUT THAT ONE LOOKS SUPER FUN!"

This seemed to anger Hater enough to get him out of his momentary paralysis as he glared, stepping off of his ship- the watchdog and the zbornak following close behind him.

"No. It. Does. NOT! What did I tell you?! Go back on the ship before Emperor Awesome gets here and sees-"

"What up, losers. What took you so long?"

The shark-man's smirk faltered when he noticed the little orange tag along.

"Bruh, seriously? Couldn't even ditch the furball for one day?" His tone was less mocking, and more disgusted, as if he were talking about a puss filled blemish rather than a living being. The snide remark went either unnoticed or ignored by Wander, however, who grinned at the Emperor and waved.

"Hiya, Emperor Awesome! Boy, this place really does look like fun, doesn't it? Sure wish I was playin'..."

"I SAID NO!" Hater bellowed. Awesome and his small crew of fist fighters laughed.

"Come on, Hatey, you gotta admit; enemy tag team? Pretty adorbs." this was followed by more group laughter. Hater roared, fully ready to retort, when he was interrupted.

"Enemies? Naw, you got it all wrong! We're- mphmph." The gloved hand that had been shoved up against his mouth muffled the rest of his sentence.

"Shut UP!"

A tug at his robes had him spinning around, the zbornak who'd been hiding behind him taking a few precautionary steps backward, but still made no effort to move into Awesome's line of sight. Hater wasn't looking at her, anyway- his glare fell on his second in command, who couldn't seem to decide if he should be looking at his boss, or keeping his only eye on Emperor Awesome.

"Sir..." he whispered. "Just throwing this out there; having Wander on your side might give us an advantage! Think about it, the universe LOVES that little creep, and with his dumb luck, you're SURE to win! - Er! Not that, you weren't before, of course! Haha."

"Real quick, though." Hater whipped back around to Awesome when he spoke. "You can have the fuzzy weirdo, but I get the babe."

The skeletal overlord was confused as he stared at the shark-man in silence- a bony brow raised. He pointed at at his second in command in bewilderment.

"Uh… you mean Peepers?"

"Pfft, nah bruh- little too teenie for my tastes. No, I mean the hot zbornak tryin' to play hide n' seek behind you."

Emperor Awesome wiggled his eyebrows as he looked around the skeleton, making eye contact.

"'Sup, hot stuff. Care to join and cheer for the winning side so your pal here can team up with team loser?"

Being called out, Sylvia stepped forward, nearly knocking over Hater and Peepers as she made her way past them. She held her ground as she scowled at the emperor.

"Sorry- but not sorry- but it ain't happening."

"Aww, not even for fuzzball?"

"Not even for Wander." She tore her gaze away and looked apologetically at her best friend. "Sorry buddy, I know you wanted to play with your boyfriend- but you'll just have to sit this one out and play some other time."

That, what Awesome initially interpreted as a quip, from the zbornak, caught him off guard, and he took a moment to gawk dumbly at her. Did she just make fun of her "little buddy"? His confounded stare shifted to Hater and Wander. When Hater face palmed, and Wander whined a disappointed "aww", he realized he'd been mistaken. She wasn't joking at all. A harsh bark of laughter bubbled up and out of the shark man, doubling him over with its wracking force.

"Hatey! I knew you must be getting pretty, haha! Pretty desperate, haha oh man, for a girlfriend, but dude! Seriously! That's just sad, even for you!"

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP ALREADY! Just, never mind! That has NOTHING to do with this, OKAY! ..." Hater paused to fold his arms over his chest, and pout, glaring out from under his hood at the emperor. "Besides, I don't see a girl on YOUR arm, either." he mumbled.

Awesome's brays had calmed down to mild giggles, but he was understandably out of breath now. He held up a hand to signal he needed a moment. And he was given a moment. Once he had recovered, he smirked at Hater and his pint-sized partner.

"Bruh, you don't bring the babes to the battlefield. Not that I'd expect you to know that, though, it's cool. But you're totally right; let's even out the battlefield here." He snapped his fingers, and a very large, very buff fist fighter clad in blue jeans and a tight fitting black shirt stepped up beside him, stoically. He didn't even flinch when Awesome wrapped an arm around his wide shoulders. Sylvia sneered and took a step backward; she remembered him.

"What say we make this a battle of boyfriends?"

Lord Hater's eyes widened at shock at the buff guy next to the shark-man.

"Who the heck is THAT?!"

"My number one, bro. My commander and stud muffin, ain't that right sweetie?" Awesome jabbed the large fist fighter with his elbow playfully, the man only crossing his arms as he continued to stand there.

"So, whatcha say?" The shark-man asked, turning his attention back to his rival. " Deal?"

Before the overlord could say anything else, he got bombarded by the two shortest members of his band of misfits.

"Oh pleeeease Hater?"

"Sir, I still recommend accepting the offer."

"Pretty, pretty, PRETTY please?"

"They might have size, and double the brawn, but I'll have you know that being a bit small in stature has it's own advantages!"

"With sugar and whipped cream, and sprinkles, and a big ol' cherry on top?"

"Okay, and maybe I'd just also like to see you use Wander's happy-sappy hippie going ways to really burn them as you two demolish them. But can ya blame a guy?"

The two would have kept talking, probably forever by the rate they were going, if Hater's growls didn't stop them. The skeleton threw his fists into the air as he threw his head back to scream.

"ALRIGHT ALREADY! Would you two just SHUT UP?!" Lord Hater's angry expression turned towards Awesome and his army as he continued his yelling. "Deal, Awesome- LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH!"

"Fine by me," the emperor smiled widely as he started walking- his commander and army entourage following him closer to where a podium was at the center of the challenges. Awesome slapped the large bouncer's bottom as he continued to flirt- his mocking directed at Hater more than anything else.

"C'mon, babe, we got some losers to cream."

Hater's irritated mumbling could be heard as he and Wander followed along behind the other two. It was cut off abruptly with a startled "HMPH" when his own behind was playfully swatted. His wild eyed glare cast downward, and Wander grinned back up at him, and winked. He would have time to be angry about that later, but right now...

As Awesome and his bouncer neared the podium, Hater reached down and grabbed his teammate, picking up his pace and shoving past them, cheering childishly as he reached it before his opponent did. Awesome rolled his eyes in a "yeah, dude, real mature" manner, as he and his own teammate entered the center podium- and yet still unable to hide his disgruntled demeanor in losing such a silly little thing.

Suddenly, as soon as all four of them had arrived, three oversized spotlights clicked on, flooding the podium with even more light, as if it needed it. All four squinted against the blinding light. Soon, a whimsical voice, accompanied by loud trumpet music, echoed throughout the place.

"Welcome one and all, to the Annual Deadly Seven Challenge!" The deafening roar of an excited crowd boomed from all around. "Not that it's an actual annual event, no, how silly, these guys just showed up! Little rude, honestly." The speaker's lisp was pretty prominent, and it seemed as if he was talking more to himself now.

"Anywho, let's hear a HUGE hello and welcome to our guests, shall we?"

The whole area broke into cheers again, and now that they were less blinded by the lights, they noticed something was a little off. They could clearly hear the audience, but the bleachers surrounding the field were completely empty.

They were so busy gawking at the sight- or lack of - that they missed the short, reptilian guy who appeared in front of them. It was made obvious that this gentleman was their gracious announcer, by the fact he held a microphone. When he spoke, the four contestants flinched, noticing him at last.

"Well now, what do we have here? FOUR contestants? Aren't there only supposed to be two of you? Or have I gone a little coo-coo in the coconut?" The announcer punctuated his sentence by knocking on his head. It made a decidedly hollow sound. He scratched his chin as he paced in front of the four, muttering to himself as he eyed them, as if contemplating how to move forward.

"The more the merrier!" Awesome, Hater, and the fist fighter all turned to Wander when he' had spoken, still in some kind of dumbfounded awe over this whole ordeal. The announcer froze in his pacing, and turned toward him, as well, a wide smile that rivaled the nomad's.

"Right you are, right you are! I like how you think. It's decided; I'll allow it!" he waved it off with a flamboyant flick of his wrist, and turned back to face the audience that wasn't there. "We're allowing it, it's fine!" He told them. "So I don't want to hear any more complaints from you, are we clear?"

The announcer frowned deeply and looked startled, as he shielded his eyes and looked out into the bare bleachers. "Oh, my! I'd say we're a little TOO clear, hmm?" The man snapped his fingers, and in a flash, every last row, every seat, was suddenly occupied by cheering, excited fans.

"There! That's better."

As the blue chameleon alien turned to face his contestants- all were jolted out of their awe, as Lord Hater finally exploded from his confusion. He HATED being jerked around by wacky weirdos and their nonsense, after all.

"ENOUGH OF THIS! You… just who IS this guy?!"

The watchdog standing next to him, forever his left hand man, as he tried shielding his already burning eye and whispered to his boss.

"Sir, that's the ruler of Compederate- the one who's judging your contest."

"Ding ding ding- we have a winner!" The ruler puffed up his chest with pride, before straightening out his red bowtie as he continued to smile. "But that's only a fraction of my title, my squinty eyed' compadre. Indeed, yes. That's not all- no, that's not all! I'm- spotlight if you would~"

With another click of his fingers all went pitch black. The next thing the group saw, was one bright light in a sea of darkness- as it focused on a large golden throne chair that glistened in the light. It was sprawled out in the throne, that the planet's guests saw a half-lidded chameleon looking flirtatiously at all of them as he spoke into his microphone once more.

"I'm King Mxyleon- the master of riddles, puzzles, and challenges galore. However, and the most important I'll have you know… the king of games!"

All the lights came back on, as King Mxyleon jumped out of his royal chair and made his way back towards the competitive band of misfits.

"But enough about me, let's get this game show on the road, hmm? Now, first your cheer squads have just GOT to go. Banished to the bleachers with all of you!"

Another snap and the fist fighter army, as well as Sylvia and Peepers, vanished in a puff of smoke. Neither dictators or their partners got to question it, before they heard another snap and the ground under them all changed, as they were transported to a different part of the arena.

"Now you know me, folks, but let's introduce the lovely people at home and in the audience to our contestants, yeah? Hoo-hoo! Up first we got team big, buff, and beauuuutiful. Say, handsome, gotta name?"

All it took was the opportunity to talk about himself to break Awesome out of his surprised fog. The microphone, which had been extended up to him as far as the small chameleon man could reach, was snatched as the emperor smiled toothily at the crowd.

"Name's Emperor Awesome- not that I expect any of you not to know that already. The raddest conqueror you'll ever see, and I throw the most kickin' parties in the galaxy, yeah, baby! They call m-" he was cut off when Hater shoved him out of the way, yanking the microphone from his hand.

"And I, am LORD HATER! Best-at-everything-number-one-SUPERSTAR! - Hey!"

The microphone was swiped back by a rather peeved looking announcer. He took out a feather duster and dusted it off, cooing to it and throwing a sideways, dangerous glare in their direction. When he seemed satisfied, he stowed the duster, to where no one cared to question, and cleared his throat.

"Now, where were we?"

The king of games smiled once more as he found his mental footing. Waving a hand at Emperor Awesome's buffed commander and then towards the nomad, he finished introducing his challengers.

"Which just leaves us with the overlords' partners, the wandering nomad from beyond the stars- WANDER; and the brains and brawns combo of…" The chameleon paused, as his mind drew a blank. "Uh, that guy. Whatever his name is." Mxyleon shrugged his shoulders, before breaking out into a big beam once more. "But enough about that, we're stalling and holding everything up. We got our contestants, we got MOST of their names, so let's stop beating around the proverbial bush and get this show on the road! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!"

With another snap, all of Compederate went black, sending a gasp as the king transported himself and his guests into the vast unknown- the first challenge had truly begun.


End file.
